12 steps of spiritual growth for all of us – step 6
Step 6 in the AA Big Book is “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
For some, there may be two major issues with this step:
· Once again has to deal with the pesky term God. As started earlier, God is a term which carries negative connotation for many people.
· Initially, it may seem to read as if we will immediately be free from all our human defects of character, which we know is impossible. If we take this as a mandate to now be perfect we will give up and go back to doing whatever behavior has allowed us to survive thus far even, if that behavior is destructive long term to oneself and others.
Perhaps turning, once again, to aa.org to see what it has to say about this step would be helpful. On page 65 we find:
“So Step Six—“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”—is A.A.’s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. The key words “entirely ready” underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we know or can learn.”
If one is engaging in addictive behavior such as alcoholism, other drug abuse, sex addiction, food addiction or any other behavior which “steals” one’s ability to move beyond the lowest, survival rung of Maslow’s hierarchy, one does have to completely refrain from that behavior. While some individuals seem to have been blessed with the complete absence of any further desire for that substance or behavior, many others will have to deal with the periodic triggering of a strong desire or craving. Some will be unsuccessful and will need to give themselves permission to focus on getting back on track rather than beating up oneself or giving up.
Let’s take these issues one by one. First, the issues of the term God. As previously stated, whether we use the term higher power, higher self, better self, the good me, the “we” of our support group or the belief in some techniques, the point is that we have to allow for the belief that we are stronger and more courageous than we may feel - that with the external support we can let go of the primary self destructive behavior. A couple of nights prior to writing this blog I got a call from a former client who has now been sober and effectively treated for his anxiety and depression for many years. Although when I first met him, he did start working a 12-step program, he could not allow himself to envision a higher power other than the negative, punishing/mean concept of God with which he had been raised. For the first few months, he would call me many times during the day (this was prior to email and texting). As soon as he woke up the anxiety felt overwhelming. He would call me before he was able to get out of bed. He might need to call me another time before getting to work. He would then call me as soon as he got to work and then several times throughout the day. He also called his sponsor and some other trusted friends but, for him during that initial stage, I was his higher power. Fortunately I was able to be there during that time. Obviously, since no one can guarantee another person that they are even going to be alive later the same day, this is not an ideal solution, but, thankfully, for him I was able to do this until he got stabilized on medication and was able to get short term disability (eventually long term disability). He still is not able to believe in or trust any concept of God, but he has learned that support for others can always be available. Most of the time he is also able to trust that he is much stronger than he feels.
I have several friends that, in addition to their faith in a higher power, find that they are able to access another level of strength in themselves by wearing a sweater or other garment belonging to a trusted and beloved, deceased person such as a parent. Anne Lamott wore a blouse of her deceased friend until she was ready to let go of this talisman. For some the symbol or talisman is something as “simple” as a St. Christopher’s medal, a holy book or some other “sacred” object.
Obviously, this step requires that one is very intentional about their decision that today one is going to use one’s healthy tools to choose healthier behavior. If not careful, we humans can get busy with life and forget to be this intentional. Personally I need what I call daily spiritual time to remind myself to be very intentional about all my decisions. I also find I need to remind myself that if emotional, physical, nutritional and spiritual self care does not come first I am likely to engage in behavior which is not consistent with my spiritual goals. It is, for me, that simple. Of course, I know that simple does not always mean easy
The second issue is to accept that no matter what we do, we are going to be human and we are not going to be perfect. The hope and the intention are to use one’s healthy tools to avoid addictive behavior or other self-sabotaging behavior. On the other hand one is going to continue to fall very short of being perfect. Daily, I have to accept that I say or do things, which are hurtful, inconsiderate, mean spirited or otherwise inconsistent, with whom I want to be. The good news is:
· This happens less than it used to.
· I notice such behavior more quickly.
· I am less likely to feed the justifications for such behavior, i.e. e. “It is John’s fault.” Or “if only x had not happened I would not have engaged in y behavior.”
· I forgive myself without justifying my behavior and focus on stopping the behavior and identifying how I allowed myself to fall into this trap. Perhaps I was in HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired), which lowers my resistance. Perhaps I have a new secret, which is resulting in a lot of new shame. Perhaps I am fearful that if I face the depth of the pain of a loss of a loved one I will fall apart (the humpty dumpty feeling).
· I can reach out for support and help much quicker than I used to.
· I am more okay with being human while still striving to be the best I can be.
I reread the step. It does not say that God/higher power will remove all these shortcomings/defects of character today. It says, “I was ready for God to remove these defects of character. This is a huge difference, and, yet, there is a part of me, which continues to hear this step as “If you are truly serious about spiritual growth, God will remove all defects of character. If you are not doing your job spiritually you will continue to be the insufferable human that you are.”
Again I am reminded that I read, hear and see with my brain, which contains all the old fears, lies, etc. Thus, the very same words will be understood differently by each of us. I may understand the very same words differently from one reading to the next even if the space of time between readings is only 5 minutes!!
Today I will keep coming back to a loving, peaceful, strong, place within me – that place which will allow me to be the best human I can be this moment – that place which I trust that I do not have to be perfect, that I can keep “getting back on the horse”, that knows that I am worthy of love and respect. I will hold on to the truth that in accepting myself I will be more than myself or more than the self I think I can be.
In step 7 I will further explore this business of being humble enough to accept our humanness without using humanness as an excuse for unkind or inconsiderate behavior.
Written September 11, 2015
Step 6 in the AA Big Book is “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
For some, there may be two major issues with this step:
· Once again has to deal with the pesky term God. As started earlier, God is a term which carries negative connotation for many people.
· Initially, it may seem to read as if we will immediately be free from all our human defects of character, which we know is impossible. If we take this as a mandate to now be perfect we will give up and go back to doing whatever behavior has allowed us to survive thus far even, if that behavior is destructive long term to oneself and others.
Perhaps turning, once again, to aa.org to see what it has to say about this step would be helpful. On page 65 we find:
“So Step Six—“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”—is A.A.’s way of stating the best possible attitude one can take in order to make a beginning on this lifetime job. This does not mean that we expect all our character defects to be lifted out of us as the drive to drink was. A few of them may be, but with most of them we shall have to be content with patient improvement. The key words “entirely ready” underline the fact that we want to aim at the very best we know or can learn.”
If one is engaging in addictive behavior such as alcoholism, other drug abuse, sex addiction, food addiction or any other behavior which “steals” one’s ability to move beyond the lowest, survival rung of Maslow’s hierarchy, one does have to completely refrain from that behavior. While some individuals seem to have been blessed with the complete absence of any further desire for that substance or behavior, many others will have to deal with the periodic triggering of a strong desire or craving. Some will be unsuccessful and will need to give themselves permission to focus on getting back on track rather than beating up oneself or giving up.
Let’s take these issues one by one. First, the issues of the term God. As previously stated, whether we use the term higher power, higher self, better self, the good me, the “we” of our support group or the belief in some techniques, the point is that we have to allow for the belief that we are stronger and more courageous than we may feel - that with the external support we can let go of the primary self destructive behavior. A couple of nights prior to writing this blog I got a call from a former client who has now been sober and effectively treated for his anxiety and depression for many years. Although when I first met him, he did start working a 12-step program, he could not allow himself to envision a higher power other than the negative, punishing/mean concept of God with which he had been raised. For the first few months, he would call me many times during the day (this was prior to email and texting). As soon as he woke up the anxiety felt overwhelming. He would call me before he was able to get out of bed. He might need to call me another time before getting to work. He would then call me as soon as he got to work and then several times throughout the day. He also called his sponsor and some other trusted friends but, for him during that initial stage, I was his higher power. Fortunately I was able to be there during that time. Obviously, since no one can guarantee another person that they are even going to be alive later the same day, this is not an ideal solution, but, thankfully, for him I was able to do this until he got stabilized on medication and was able to get short term disability (eventually long term disability). He still is not able to believe in or trust any concept of God, but he has learned that support for others can always be available. Most of the time he is also able to trust that he is much stronger than he feels.
I have several friends that, in addition to their faith in a higher power, find that they are able to access another level of strength in themselves by wearing a sweater or other garment belonging to a trusted and beloved, deceased person such as a parent. Anne Lamott wore a blouse of her deceased friend until she was ready to let go of this talisman. For some the symbol or talisman is something as “simple” as a St. Christopher’s medal, a holy book or some other “sacred” object.
Obviously, this step requires that one is very intentional about their decision that today one is going to use one’s healthy tools to choose healthier behavior. If not careful, we humans can get busy with life and forget to be this intentional. Personally I need what I call daily spiritual time to remind myself to be very intentional about all my decisions. I also find I need to remind myself that if emotional, physical, nutritional and spiritual self care does not come first I am likely to engage in behavior which is not consistent with my spiritual goals. It is, for me, that simple. Of course, I know that simple does not always mean easy
The second issue is to accept that no matter what we do, we are going to be human and we are not going to be perfect. The hope and the intention are to use one’s healthy tools to avoid addictive behavior or other self-sabotaging behavior. On the other hand one is going to continue to fall very short of being perfect. Daily, I have to accept that I say or do things, which are hurtful, inconsiderate, mean spirited or otherwise inconsistent, with whom I want to be. The good news is:
· This happens less than it used to.
· I notice such behavior more quickly.
· I am less likely to feed the justifications for such behavior, i.e. e. “It is John’s fault.” Or “if only x had not happened I would not have engaged in y behavior.”
· I forgive myself without justifying my behavior and focus on stopping the behavior and identifying how I allowed myself to fall into this trap. Perhaps I was in HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, tired), which lowers my resistance. Perhaps I have a new secret, which is resulting in a lot of new shame. Perhaps I am fearful that if I face the depth of the pain of a loss of a loved one I will fall apart (the humpty dumpty feeling).
· I can reach out for support and help much quicker than I used to.
· I am more okay with being human while still striving to be the best I can be.
I reread the step. It does not say that God/higher power will remove all these shortcomings/defects of character today. It says, “I was ready for God to remove these defects of character. This is a huge difference, and, yet, there is a part of me, which continues to hear this step as “If you are truly serious about spiritual growth, God will remove all defects of character. If you are not doing your job spiritually you will continue to be the insufferable human that you are.”
Again I am reminded that I read, hear and see with my brain, which contains all the old fears, lies, etc. Thus, the very same words will be understood differently by each of us. I may understand the very same words differently from one reading to the next even if the space of time between readings is only 5 minutes!!
Today I will keep coming back to a loving, peaceful, strong, place within me – that place which will allow me to be the best human I can be this moment – that place which I trust that I do not have to be perfect, that I can keep “getting back on the horse”, that knows that I am worthy of love and respect. I will hold on to the truth that in accepting myself I will be more than myself or more than the self I think I can be.
In step 7 I will further explore this business of being humble enough to accept our humanness without using humanness as an excuse for unkind or inconsiderate behavior.
Written September 11, 2015
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